The book is closed and I go down
The blood is withdrawn
I wait
My daughter cries
It’s tantamount to a funeral
I see myself slowly dying
I wait
The ups and downs
Steamrolling my frightful life
They have the control
I wait
They push
I wait
Nettles in my brain
The sting as thoughts brush against thoughts
A rash of indoctrination
Must think me better
Holistic hogwash
They push
They push
I wait
Having to prove myself
Biweekly
Weekly
Taking in what they force down my throat
People meant to help
People in support
Betrayal
A bastardization of a system
Putting bandages on bleeding thoughts
Bandages after bandages
Thoughts seeping out from under the sticky residue
Sucking back capsule after capsule
One for the night
One for the day
One for coupling of both
One to sleep
One to stay asleep
One for the voices in the corners of my home
In the corners of my head
They Push
Back to normalization
They push
To standardization
They push
Acclimation
A bandage on my brain
I have chased the rabbit for too long now
The pusher is at the door
The duck is in the hole
George calls from the darkness
From the corners
From the darkest shadows
I wait
The voices burbling in my mind
Talking to the bottom of a coffee cup
I wait
I wait
They push
Having to prove myself
That’s what hurts
You understand me so well
For a lifetime
A lifetime of aggression
Of social awkwardness
Of bad decisions
Of selfishness
Trying to explain
To you
To myself
To those around me
I take a pill
The darkness is held in check
Caged in an artificial jail of a chemicals byproduct
Oh the darkness is watching
Raging in its cell
Waiting for any vulnerability
To escape is the intention
They don’t understand
They don’t see the rage in its eyes
They push
They push
I push back
Trembling
A static tick waiting to explode
Wondering how to remove the batteries
A wind-up toy for the easily amused
A gathering aroused by my pain
Getting off while I tremor and stutter
I wait
A joining of broken minds
To selves that almost meet in the center
Something intangible barely containing the disorder
Voices bespeak of demons
Failure of my faith
Belief system
Lack of wanting to be better
Push
Push
Push
Pushed from too many sides
Pulled into too many beliefs
The acquiescence
The complete hell and sorrow
The pusher knows
The pushers take
The arrogance of a corporation to declare my well being
All for a pittance of the dollars they’ll save
They’re the sick ones
They’re the demons
They’re the pusher
All the while I’m left to bleed out into a neurotic disorder
Staring into an incorporeal void
I wait
Written by
Norman Boyington